1. RECENT INTEREST IN WORKING OUT. People tend to try and get in better shape for their new lover. If your spouse starts working out or increases workouts without explanation, this may be a sign of an affair. Note: all people who work out are not having affairs. The change in conduct is the key sign.
   
   
2. RECENT LOSS OF WEIGHT. People want to look good for their lover, so an affair is typically accompanied by a loss of weight.
   
   
3. UNEXPLAINED ABSENCES OR WORK HOURS. People who are having affairs need to carve out time for the affair. They may report having to work long hours or on weekends. They may say they are going somewhere and then be gone for what seems like an inordinate amount of time.
   
   
4. PICKING FIGHTS. People who are having affairs usually have some sense of guilt, whether they are conscious of it or not. In order to transfer the guilt to the innocent party, they have to make them look like the bad guy. So, they start an argument and get the innocent party to fight with them. This gives them justification for their conduct.
   
   
5. SECRETIVE WITH CELL PHONE OR E-MAIL ACCOUNT. It has been said that nearly 25% of people have met their current partner over the internet. People who are having affairs communicate extensively by e-mail, text and cell phone. Cell phone bills will usually reveal exceedingly long calls and calls at inappropriate times such as very late at night or on Sunday morning. People who are communicating by these means will try to conceal these communications. The innocent spouse may come upon the philanderer and catch them quickly exiting a screen on the computer or quickly hanging up the phone. The guilty party will go to great lengths to protect the innocent spouse from access to their cell phone or cell phone bill.
   
   
6. CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH COWORKER. Except for the recent trend in internet relationships, people have affairs with people that they have come to know well in non-threatening situations, such as employment, social activities, children’s activities or school activities. There is no question that the employee/employer relationship can lead to affairs. The reason is that the employee admires the employer and will do whatever it takes to please the employer and anticipate his needs. Of course, this is an attractive combination to the employer. Watch for inappropriate personal communications or relationships, such as the employer becoming very involved with the employee’s family or personal life. Calls at inappropriate times and business trips together can also be red flags.
   
   
7. BUYING PROVOCATIVE OR NEW UNDERWEAR. People who are having affairs want to look sexy with their clothes off so they buy new, or provocative underwear.
   
   
8. NEW CLOTHES PURCHASES WHICH APPEAR TO BE OUT OF CHARACTER. People who are having affairs not only want to look good, but their lover may have a certain taste in clothes which they want to satisfy, so they may buy a new style of clothes.
   
   
9. RESENTFULNESS. People who are having affairs resent the innocent party because they stand in the way of the new relationship.
   
   
10. “MID LIFE CRISES.” Every person goes through a time in their life when they question the overall direction of their life. This can happen at any time or age. I find that men typically experience this “crisis” at significant age points such as 40 or 50. This questioning of life direction can lead to positive change, but it can also lead to a negative change in values or a desire to have the fun and vitality in life which is perceived to be missing. I have no scientific data to back this statement, but I have found that women face such a crises around the age of 36. They often find themselves asking themselves, “Is this all there is?”
    
    
11. NEW WILD FRIENDS. New friends can provide a negative influence. If a person has a friend that leads a life of promiscuity or drug or alcohol use, they can influence others to join their lifestyle.
    
    
12. FRIEND WHO IS DIVORCING. People who are divorcing need others with whom to commiserate about their circumstances. Many times relationships will start with two people who are unhappy in their marriages and grow close in comforting each other. The relationship then grows into an affair.
    
    
13. PORNOGRAPHY. People who are having affairs may find the need to satiate their desires with pornography. On the other hand, people who view pornography have a tendency to lose the ability to be satisfied by a normal sexual relationship, thus forcing them outside the marriage.
    
    
14. UNUSUAL SEXUAL CONDUCT. People who are having affairs are bound to change the way they relate to their spouse sexually. This can be manifested in “new moves,” more sex or less sex. The change in sexual pattern is what’s important.

The foregoing list is not all-inclusive. Moreover, just because one or more of these signs appear does not mean there is an affair. Innocent spouses, however, should not keep blinders on to the foregoing signs and should be alerted to the possibility of an affair if three or more of these signs are apparent. This list is based solely upon the life experience of a divorce lawyer and not upon any study, survey or scientific research.

1. Keep Your Mouth Shut. I have often said that the stupidest question ever asked is, “Are you having an affair?” If they are, they are going to deny it and start a better cover up process, and hate you for ruining their fun. If they aren’t, they’ll hate you for thinking they would do such a thing. So, keep your mouth shut and look for evidence.
   
   
2. Maintain The Same Appearance in the Home. Don’t act any differently than you always do. Maintain the same habits and conduct. Don’t be defensive or sarcastic, but, on the other hand, don’t be patronizing. Do nothing to arouse suspicions.
   
   
3. Collect Evidence. Look for cell phone bills with calls on them for long periods of time or at odd hours such as very late at night or early Sunday morning. Check text messages on your spouse’s phone (without them knowing it). Check emails on the computer. Be careful about this, however, because checking unread emails may be a violation of federal law. Check with a lawyer on this. Look in your spouse’s purse or wallet when you get a chance. Check their car or glove box. Examine credit card bills for odd charges such as to Victoria’s Secret.
   
   
4. Hire A Detective. Meet with a detective and give him all of the evidence you have. Tell him about your spouse’s habits and customs. Tell him work hours, and places he or she likes to frequent. Give him a picture of your spouse and his or her car. If you have a suspicion about a particular person, give him a picture of that person and a description of their work hours and habits. Plan a trip out of town (with your children if you have them) and then have the detective watch your spouse while you are away.
   
   
5. Protect Finances. When a marriage is in trouble, you need to be extra vigilant about your finances. If assets are held in joint accounts where your spouse may be able to take all of them, then watch these assets closely. You may want to consult with a lawyer about whether you should move to protect the assets or should take part or all of them. By the same token, protect your credit. If there are credit cards or a line of credit that can be used by your spouse, be vigilant as to the use. Once again, you may want to check with a lawyer on the wisdom and timing of cutting off your spouse’s access to the credit, if warranted.
   
   
6. Avoid “Condonation.” If you have knowledge your spouse is having an affair, do not have sex with them and “resume the marital relationship.” Doing so could constitute legal forgiveness of the past conduct. Consult with a lawyer once you have evidence of a relationship.
   
   
7. Don’t Act Without Consulting a Lawyer. Once a person has evidence of adultery, there is a temptation to take some revenge. Examples of revengeful actions are: telling the spouse’s employer to get him fired, telling the paramour’s spouse, turning the offending spouse into a professional or regulatory agency for some conduct that might get them in trouble, or telling the offending spouse’s family or friends about the affair. No such actions should be taken without consulting a lawyer. Such actions typically gain no advantage for the offended spouse and usually result in damage. Once again, once you have evidence, keep your mouth shut–as hard as that might be–and consult with a lawyer.
   
   
8. If You Think You Need A Lawyer, You Do. If you get the feeling at any time that you might need to talk with a lawyer, you do. Once you are in a situation where enough is going on that you are worried about your legal circumstances, you should consult with a lawyer. If the lawyer simply tells you that you have nothing to worry about, the money is still well spent because it will provide relief. On the other hand, if you get a lawyer involved in your legal situation soon enough, they can prevent a lot of damage and steer you through your legal situation more successfully than if you wait.